A lil’ bit of Me…


i really don’t think i have done justice to this one… simply because it means so much to me, but i am in a state of serious writer’s block.. still, i wanted to put something down, and took a while to write this… so what the heck…

the alarm of the phone went off, and as always my eyes opened with the sound of the
phone’s vibration that immediately precedes the ringtone. i picked up the phone and
looked at the time, blinking at me as if the phone was playing peek-a-boo.7:00 a.m.
time to get up. goddamit!! an early morning after a late night is one hellava
bitch!! but i had to get up today… i wanted to get up today… i had to put
yesterday behind me, forget the gargantuan fuck-up, prove to myself that we’re so
much better than that… today, i, we, had to redeem ourselves..
a familiar pain in my eyes, the one i usually get on my late night-early morning
routine began to magically dull as the adrenaline started pumping, the same
adrenaline that made me keep checking the clock on the phone almost all night, the
same stuff that made me wonder why it’s taking so long for the damn alarm to ring!!
i got out of bed and put the kettle to boil, and then checked my suit of armour for
the day… the cuirass lay on the bed in the other room, black as night, and next
to it my greaves blue as the ocean (clarification: my black kurta and blue jeans).
I opened the front door and picked up the newpaper, but my eyes refused to focus on
the words. a myriad of sounds were clashing in my head, hundreds of shining eyes
flashing down on me like a deluge of flaming arrows, stabbing at me with
relentless, remorseless glee, peeling away flesh from bone, mutilating me to a
point where anger, frustration, even shame meant nothing. the jeers, the sneers,
and our vain attempts at taking the battle to those eyes, all echoed in my head
like a ghastly symphony that would make sweeny todd cringe.
the whistle of the boiling kettle managed to break into my macabre reverie. i
prepared two cups of tea, grateful for the distraction, grateful to get away from
those eyes, those noises. i was aware that there would be many more eyes today. was
i ready? were we?
i took the tea to where karan was sleeping. he had suffered the ravages as i had
yesterday, and his sleep looked anything but peaceful. i woke him up, kidding him
that i was benevolent enough to wake him only after i’d made tea. but our moods
were far from cheery, as the thoughts of the next few hours continued to churn in
our minds.
Timecheck: 8:00 a.m.
we’d told the others we’d meet them at base-camp (read: ncc) by 8.30. it was time
to move, head out of the safety zone, consort with our brothers-in-arms. The cool
wind swept past us as we rode towards the ncc, stinging my eyes and causing a few
tears to bleed out and fade into oblivion. there was a comfort in listening to the hum of the engine, a constant that served to dull out some of the noise in my head. we did not speak, though karan stopped to pick up his morning smoke. we reached the ncc and found the others brooding, the swirls of the cigarrete smoke playing around over their heads like wraiths. i could feel the strange sensation, called butterflies in the stomach i believe, while wave after wave of anticipation coursed through me sending shivers down my spine and quickening my pulse. 8.50 a.m., and it was time to head to the war zone. head held high, weapons in hand, we walked towards it, karan, jeetu, sam, rono, niki n i.
the battleground lay more or less as we left it, except that today there were some
people putting a few more machines into the picture. we tested our weapons, our
hopes once again pinned on the people we could not control, the ones infusing life
into our weapons, the ones who had let us down yesterday, forcing us to suffer a
humiliating defeat. for now, we were satisfied, things seemed to be in order. ahead
of us lay a wall, behind which lay the eyes. but there was still time…
9:30 a.m.
sounds… growing louder… they are arriving, the eyes, behind the wall… but
something strange began to happen to me. i looked around at the others, seeing the
trepidation in their movements, but somehow, i suddenly felt no need to feel
nervous… i think karan understood.. we needed to get the jitters out of
everybody’s systems, fast! we did our best. niki and jeetu were sneaking peeks at
the gathering hordes on the other side of the wall. “there are so many more than
yesterday,” said niki, as i took her in my arms and promised her that yesterday
would not happen today. we took up our positions, bracing ourselves for the
impending assault… each of us counted the seconds, hearts pounding loud enough to
almost block out the noise on the other side, which was nearing a crescendo… an
observer from the sidelines gestured that the time had come.. we took one last look
at each other, taking in each other’s appearances before the ravages begin… but
something was there in our eyes… i swear i saw it… the dilation of the pupils
receding into a contracted mass of fierce determination.. our breathing no longer
erratic, but measured, in unison, rhythmic… jaws no longer clenched, palms no
longer sweaty, the butterflies dissapearing as if incinerated in one scathing wash
of resolve… as we began to realised the true power of our combined energies,
there were no longer any thoughts of failure, no furtive glances at the nearest
exit. the curtains opened and we were blinded momentarily by the lights that made
us such easy targets. but today, we were ready to rock that audience outta their
As Tyler would say, carpe diem, baby.
Long live Ehsaas…


3 Responses to “Realisation”

  1. 🙂
    that was quite an experience da!
    of all the things i have done with you, i’ve never been to a performance of ehsaas…wish there was a way to rectify the error…

    brilliantly done matey. captures the essence of the nervousness and anticipation before going live in front of an audience, strangely you seem to find the perfect spot just when you need to at a time when every part of you screams you arent ready!

    if only i could relive those days…
    carpe diem indeed!

  2. Heres what I call a brilliant suspense-thriller write up; never have I read such a nail-biting, gut-spilling, spine-chilling, nut-freezing, hair-raising account of what happens back-stage or our pre-show jitters…
    and also, never have I seen our performances in this light before. I relived those tense moments second by second as I read through this…
    Am waiting for that one BIG come back battle that I’ll have the pleasure to stand by your side on, Da…lez hope it comes soon, been a tad long since we kicked some serious fruit…

  3. could feel every moment as i read.. beautiful..

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